Things I like: • Funny stories (any kind of funny – I know it makes me sound horrible, but my favorite is rape jokes; I also really like Polish and gypsy jokes) • Mysteries (if you write me a mystery, please make it actually make sense, NO stupid plot holes like most fanfic mysteries) • Fluff (but not OOC – there’s a fine line, and please don’t make me barf up candyfloss) • Porn (but only slash, please – het and femslash will make the Baby Jesus cry, because vaginas = no, sorry, vaginas are like my #1 squick) • Male characters (only cis men please, see above note about vaginas) • Cats, particularly if they are presented as smarter than humans • Long fic (seriously, as long as possible, because 1K is like, what, a snack? A hors d’oeuvre? Don’t feed me fucking peanut butter on celery, man.) • Santa Claus kink (e.g., a guy sitting on Santa Claus’s lap and getting fucked through the Santa suit. Or him sucking Santa off through the Santa suit, I’m flexible.) • Tentacles. Especially if tentacles fuck somebody to death. It would be a good death.
Things I don’t want in my story: • Short fic. Peanut butter on celery, man. • Female characters. See above note about vaginas. • PoC characters. Sorry, but the fic always becomes about their issues, and how special they are, and that really turns me off. I prefer Everyman kind of characters. Oh, this also goes for disabled characters. • Anything that examines how “problematic” the source canon is. C’mon. Leave that for meta and stuff. I don’t care. • Dogs. Any kind. Even hot dogs. (By which I mean, wieners, not Lady from Lady and the Tramp.) • OOC writing. You’ve got a Christmas vacation, do some boning up on the canon and don’t give me something I can’t recognize as related to the characters I asked for. • Similarly, bad writing. Put your back into it. • Fat characters – it’s Christmas, I don’t want to be thinking about back rolls when I’m eating turkey and mashed potatoes, it puts me off something awful.
My requests:
Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries
What I really want is Mr. Butler/Jack. Especially a daddykink relationship. If Jack’s baton becomes involved (do Australian police officers have batons?) so much the better. Really explicit porn would be great here, preferably in the context of a long mystery fic. I do not like Phryne, so please don’t have her involved, unless of course you want her to get murdered or something as the mystery that Jack and Mr Butler have to solve. Also, I headcanon Mr. Butler as having a cat. His name is Jehoshaphat.
Tennis RPF
Yeah, this is where I want that Santa Claus kink I mentioned. Please give me Rafa Nadal in a Santa Claus suit and Roger Federer as the one getting fucked or sucking him through it. DO NOT DO IT THE OTHER WAY, Federer is a total bottom and the other way would ruin my Yuletide. Thanks. And don’t have any cameos from the WTA side of the fandom (see the note about vaginas).
Guardians of the Galaxy – Movies
My #1 request would be for Tony Stark to show up and bitchslap Peter Quill into the next millennium, but I guess that’s not allowed for some weakass reason. (You should totally do it anyway. Make Tony as rude & bitchy & offensive as possible.) Absolutely no Gamora. If you don’t want to write Tony, I guess it would be okay to have Groot get fucked by Rocket, Drax, and Quill. Twig-breaking as the equivalent of spanking would be a really cool kink.
Yuletide RPF
I would really like to see a crossover where astolat was dropped into the Temeraire series. (Don't ask me why I chose that, I just think it would be cool for some reason.) I don’t know what astolat's gender is, but please make them a man for this story (see notes on vaginas). However you wanted the story to go would be good, but remember that I don’t like shortfic. It’s a big universe, I’m sure astolat could have many adventures. I could possibly see him being shipped with Tharkay, and possibly Laurence/Tharkay/Temeraire (yes, dragon sex is totally okay; please do not feel the need to give Temeraire a small penis, I’m sure the boys could stretch).
Okay, thanks for reading this and writing for me. Please re-read this on a regular basis and make sure you aren’t violating any of my rules, because that would ruin my Christmas, and, uh, not to be threatening or anything, lol, but if you ruin my Christmas I will ruin yours. ;) Anyway, thanks!
Re: Challenge: Wankiest Letter
• Funny stories (any kind of funny – I know it makes me sound horrible, but my favorite is rape jokes; I also really like Polish and gypsy jokes)
• Mysteries (if you write me a mystery, please make it actually make sense, NO stupid plot holes like most fanfic mysteries)
• Fluff (but not OOC – there’s a fine line, and please don’t make me barf up candyfloss)
• Porn (but only slash, please – het and femslash will make the Baby Jesus cry, because vaginas = no, sorry, vaginas are like my #1 squick)
• Male characters (only cis men please, see above note about vaginas)
• Cats, particularly if they are presented as smarter than humans
• Long fic (seriously, as long as possible, because 1K is like, what, a snack? A hors d’oeuvre? Don’t feed me fucking peanut butter on celery, man.)
• Santa Claus kink (e.g., a guy sitting on Santa Claus’s lap and getting fucked through the Santa suit. Or him sucking Santa off through the Santa suit, I’m flexible.)
• Tentacles. Especially if tentacles fuck somebody to death. It would be a good death.
Things I don’t want in my story:
• Short fic. Peanut butter on celery, man.
• Female characters. See above note about vaginas.
• PoC characters. Sorry, but the fic always becomes about their issues, and how special they are, and that really turns me off. I prefer Everyman kind of characters. Oh, this also goes for disabled characters.
• Anything that examines how “problematic” the source canon is. C’mon. Leave that for meta and stuff. I don’t care.
• Dogs. Any kind. Even hot dogs. (By which I mean, wieners, not Lady from Lady and the Tramp.)
• OOC writing. You’ve got a Christmas vacation, do some boning up on the canon and don’t give me something I can’t recognize as related to the characters I asked for.
• Similarly, bad writing. Put your back into it.
• Fat characters – it’s Christmas, I don’t want to be thinking about back rolls when I’m eating turkey and mashed potatoes, it puts me off something awful.
My requests:
Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries
What I really want is Mr. Butler/Jack. Especially a daddykink relationship. If Jack’s baton becomes involved (do Australian police officers have batons?) so much the better. Really explicit porn would be great here, preferably in the context of a long mystery fic. I do not like Phryne, so please don’t have her involved, unless of course you want her to get murdered or something as the mystery that Jack and Mr Butler have to solve. Also, I headcanon Mr. Butler as having a cat. His name is Jehoshaphat.
Tennis RPF
Yeah, this is where I want that Santa Claus kink I mentioned. Please give me Rafa Nadal in a Santa Claus suit and Roger Federer as the one getting fucked or sucking him through it. DO NOT DO IT THE OTHER WAY, Federer is a total bottom and the other way would ruin my Yuletide. Thanks. And don’t have any cameos from the WTA side of the fandom (see the note about vaginas).
Guardians of the Galaxy – Movies
My #1 request would be for Tony Stark to show up and bitchslap Peter Quill into the next millennium, but I guess that’s not allowed for some weakass reason. (You should totally do it anyway. Make Tony as rude & bitchy & offensive as possible.) Absolutely no Gamora. If you don’t want to write Tony, I guess it would be okay to have Groot get fucked by Rocket, Drax, and Quill. Twig-breaking as the equivalent of spanking would be a really cool kink.
Yuletide RPF
I would really like to see a crossover where astolat was dropped into the Temeraire series. (Don't ask me why I chose that, I just think it would be cool for some reason.) I don’t know what astolat's gender is, but please make them a man for this story (see notes on vaginas). However you wanted the story to go would be good, but remember that I don’t like shortfic. It’s a big universe, I’m sure astolat could have many adventures. I could possibly see him being shipped with Tharkay, and possibly Laurence/Tharkay/Temeraire (yes, dragon sex is totally okay; please do not feel the need to give Temeraire a small penis, I’m sure the boys could stretch).
Okay, thanks for reading this and writing for me. Please re-read this on a regular basis and make sure you aren’t violating any of my rules, because that would ruin my Christmas, and, uh, not to be threatening or anything, lol, but if you ruin my Christmas I will ruin yours. ;) Anyway, thanks!