Coalie, I want the story of you and the snake and the werewolf porn to be a movie or something. Only at the end wacky snake-related circumstances bring the two of you together, years later, and they get their werewolf porn and you become BFFs!

(Also, I think you should totally send them the werewolf porn and explain about the snake, because that is hilarious and you sound like an awesome exchange writer with terrible luck.)