yuletide_coal | The Dirty Energy Source

The Dirty Energy Source

Do you want to make a spreadsheet about spreadsheets?
Do you still need to figure out what two other fandoms you should request beside the only one you really want fic for?
Or are you trolling ALL the letter posts for placeholders, just so you can write those people some nice, dry coal?

We want to know all about it.

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oh god no my eyes

hahahaha A+ coalie, A fucking +

So much badfic.

So much clonecest.

So many bad HS AUs.

This whole thing is gold, but that bonus "Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies) - Any" with no details added is the perfect last touch of terrible.

ilu, coalie.

Fairytales and supernatural fandoms, and I swear to god I had three fandoms I wanted to request yesterday. It's a curse!!

and now I can't see the tag set at all, this is very unhelpful

Oh man. Just imagine a The Wire letter that attempted to list out all of the black characters in this way.

"If you could just avoid any of the drug dealer, or students, I don't find them interesting. If you're writing about the cops, I'm not a fan of Bunk, Kima, Carver, Lester, Bunny, or Daniels. If you're writing politics, skip Clay Davis, Odell Watkins, and Nerese Campbell. Also no Bubbles or Omar, please, because who likes those guys? You know what, might as well skip Cutty, too..."

Yeah, the tag set is acting weird for me too. Here's a plain text list, if that helps: https://www.dropbox.com/s/s0bu9mh18rt4xe7/yuletide%20tagset.txt?dl=0

SA I'm seeing these fairy tales: Cinderella, la belle et la bete, little red riding hood, and sleeping beauty.

Things I like:
• Funny stories (any kind of funny – I know it makes me sound horrible, but my favorite is rape jokes; I also really like Polish and gypsy jokes)
• Mysteries (if you write me a mystery, please make it actually make sense, NO stupid plot holes like most fanfic mysteries)
• Fluff (but not OOC – there’s a fine line, and please don’t make me barf up candyfloss)
• Porn (but only slash, please – het and femslash will make the Baby Jesus cry, because vaginas = no, sorry, vaginas are like my #1 squick)
• Male characters (only cis men please, see above note about vaginas)
• Cats, particularly if they are presented as smarter than humans
• Long fic (seriously, as long as possible, because 1K is like, what, a snack? A hors d’oeuvre? Don’t feed me fucking peanut butter on celery, man.)
• Santa Claus kink (e.g., a guy sitting on Santa Claus’s lap and getting fucked through the Santa suit. Or him sucking Santa off through the Santa suit, I’m flexible.)
• Tentacles. Especially if tentacles fuck somebody to death. It would be a good death.

Things I don’t want in my story:
• Short fic. Peanut butter on celery, man.
• Female characters. See above note about vaginas.
• PoC characters. Sorry, but the fic always becomes about their issues, and how special they are, and that really turns me off. I prefer Everyman kind of characters. Oh, this also goes for disabled characters.
• Anything that examines how “problematic” the source canon is. C’mon. Leave that for meta and stuff. I don’t care.
• Dogs. Any kind. Even hot dogs. (By which I mean, wieners, not Lady from Lady and the Tramp.)
• OOC writing. You’ve got a Christmas vacation, do some boning up on the canon and don’t give me something I can’t recognize as related to the characters I asked for.
• Similarly, bad writing. Put your back into it.
• Fat characters – it’s Christmas, I don’t want to be thinking about back rolls when I’m eating turkey and mashed potatoes, it puts me off something awful.

My requests:

Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries

What I really want is Mr. Butler/Jack. Especially a daddykink relationship. If Jack’s baton becomes involved (do Australian police officers have batons?) so much the better. Really explicit porn would be great here, preferably in the context of a long mystery fic. I do not like Phryne, so please don’t have her involved, unless of course you want her to get murdered or something as the mystery that Jack and Mr Butler have to solve. Also, I headcanon Mr. Butler as having a cat. His name is Jehoshaphat.

Tennis RPF

Yeah, this is where I want that Santa Claus kink I mentioned. Please give me Rafa Nadal in a Santa Claus suit and Roger Federer as the one getting fucked or sucking him through it. DO NOT DO IT THE OTHER WAY, Federer is a total bottom and the other way would ruin my Yuletide. Thanks. And don’t have any cameos from the WTA side of the fandom (see the note about vaginas).

Guardians of the Galaxy – Movies

My #1 request would be for Tony Stark to show up and bitchslap Peter Quill into the next millennium, but I guess that’s not allowed for some weakass reason. (You should totally do it anyway. Make Tony as rude & bitchy & offensive as possible.) Absolutely no Gamora. If you don’t want to write Tony, I guess it would be okay to have Groot get fucked by Rocket, Drax, and Quill. Twig-breaking as the equivalent of spanking would be a really cool kink.

Yuletide RPF

I would really like to see a crossover where astolat was dropped into the Temeraire series. (Don't ask me why I chose that, I just think it would be cool for some reason.) I don’t know what astolat's gender is, but please make them a man for this story (see notes on vaginas). However you wanted the story to go would be good, but remember that I don’t like shortfic. It’s a big universe, I’m sure astolat could have many adventures. I could possibly see him being shipped with Tharkay, and possibly Laurence/Tharkay/Temeraire (yes, dragon sex is totally okay; please do not feel the need to give Temeraire a small penis, I’m sure the boys could stretch).

Okay, thanks for reading this and writing for me. Please re-read this on a regular basis and make sure you aren’t violating any of my rules, because that would ruin my Christmas, and, uh, not to be threatening or anything, lol, but if you ruin my Christmas I will ruin yours. ;) Anyway, thanks!

+1

And keep in mind that at this point its still a gamble. Plenty of people haven't posted their letters yet (or might never post their letters to the main com), so if you offer the ships you like you still have a decent chance of matching on them.

Oh yes, thank you. That is very helpful.

AYRT

I'm actually not at all opposed to clonecest (like Rachel/Sarah or season 1 Helena/Sarah) if people give it the right teeth. Which I'm assuming they don't.

Fucking HS AUs though. WHY.

Wanky topic I know, but one of my fandom enemies posted her letter, so...

Who would you default on, nonnies?

I can think of a couple, but I check their letters to make sure it won't come up.

If you mean nebulous "somebodies", then somebody who was openly racist/homophobic/misogynist.

I would really like to see a crossover where astolat was dropped into the Temeraire series.

I think this is the part where I hurt something laughing.

Untherius, that batshit Lovecraft person, either watson, wook77

that's all I can think of

Last year I would have said anyone who had zero optional details, but I stuck that one out and it turned out okay.

So I'll say anyone who tries to sneak het or F/M/M into their letter where they only requested Dude A and Dude B. I wouldn't want to ODAO since they obviously don't want slash, so I'd just default instead.

Untherius believes slash and any form of being homosexual is morally wrong. Yep.

Impertinence. She's not known for bad behavior during Yuletide, but I have avoided her in the past, when our fandoms match up too much, because she's incredibly wanky and I would not feel comfortable writing for her.

*slow clap*

LOL no, no they don't.

And OMG the HS AUs, or the AUs where they aren't clones.

THAT'S THE MOST INTERESTING PART OF THE EFFING SHOW. WHY WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME, FANDOM OF MY HEART.

Wow, really? I know she's wanky but last year coal talked about her and the general consensus was she's polite during the fest. I guess there is some pressure.

A secret fandom nemesis from way back in bandom. We actually share a Yuletide fandom this year and I immediately unoffered it.

.....wait, what?

Receipts, pls.

Or dewclaws, pls, as the case may be.

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The Dirty Energy Source

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