Rudolph the red-nosed dentist

[heavensqueen]

Writing post : http://yuletide-coal.dreamwidth.org/6728.html

Other useful links:
2016 Timeline : https://yuletide-admin.dreamwidth.org/28822.html
Collection: http://archiveofourown.org/collections/yuletide2016

 

Letters post: http://yuletide.livejournal.com/1274815.html
Letters DB: http://www.dennis-sellers.com/yuletide/index.html
Treat spreadsheet: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/10Bv9vJXykH9BUgn6q5DIBliBgMWzlVpXiB9d1lNoub4/edit?usp=sharing

Yuleporn: http://yuletide.livejournal.com/1276881.html
Crueltide: http://yuletide.livejournal.com/1274987.html
Two for One: http://yuletide.livejournal.com/1278973.html

Comments

Re: Where's the coal at this year?

[(Anonymous)]

SA. For example, this is the last paragraph:

He had an hour or so alone before breakfast. And not properly alone. A disgruntled retinue of guards, attempting to pretend they hadn't partook in any of the overflowing casks of beer from last night, had at least shown up for duty. He made sure to speak just a little louder, increase the force of his step in his heavy boots. He hoped they were subconsciously at least nursing the effects of every single night, whilst he had a spring in his step.

Re: Where's the coal at this year?

[(Anonymous)]

DA I don't see anything wrong with that paragraph. It's purple, but it gets the point across. It's breakfast and the character wishes he could be alone instead of being watched by a bunch of hung-over guards so he's being extra loud and obnoxious.

Re: Where's the coal at this year?

[(Anonymous)]

It's really hard to follow, because things that link together aren't together, and it's not really obvious how the actions fit each other. Some of the words used don't make sense for the context - if they have to pretend they're not drunk/hung over, they're not subconsciously impaired, for one. Consider this:

He had an hour or so alone before breakfast, but not properly alone. A disgruntled group of guards had at least shown up for duty, though they were attempting to pretend they hadn't partaken of any of the formerly overflowing casks of beer during the night. He made sure to speak just a little louder, increase the force of his step in his heavy boots, in the hope that it would impact those who were nursing the effects of the previous night, whilst he had a spring in his step.

All I did was join a few clauses together, and revise it for clarity.

Re: Where's the coal at this year?

[(Anonymous)]

You have a strange concept of purple prose. It's clunky, but it isn't purple.